There was a reason I began this post in September of last year and didn’t finish it.
I was afraid.
I didn’t know how it would go. I had felt God prompting me to get involved with the local college in my area when I first moved to this town. I wanted to go prayer walk on campus when I was bored. I just never did. Then we got to play soccer there and meet some of the folks who frequent it’s paths. Then we went to a student experimental theater production about what it means to be human that was really well done but ended in meaninglessness. Then a student committed suicide. And I know I was being disobedient out of fear.
Fear that I wasn’t really supposed to be involved. Fear of rejection. Fear of suspicion of wrong motives; what’s this outsider doing on our campus? Fear of failing. Fear of being ineffective. Fear of butting in. Fear of wanting to do something out of pride or self-improvement – not out of love. Fear of partnering with a certain ministry I wasn’t sure I liked.
I e-mailed the ministry leader. We’re good friends now – our whole families. I wasn’t sure how I should be involved, so we decided I should try coming to the weekly meetings. We went early and prayed – it was an awesome time of prayer – and I left the first meeting having started some relationships and feeling used by God. The second meeting started the same way… but in the time of activity transition I got lost in the flow and ended up going home, confused and dejected. I had asked God to use me. I had the right motives. The Spirit was working. What was going on?
I didn’t have faith. I went back, but this time I decided I was going to act on the truth that God would be at work, He would move with power, and I would be a part of it. God was at work whether I was there or not, whether I believed or not. I had to have faith that this was where God wanted me to be, and I would be there whether I felt awkward, out of place, intrusive, judged, or not. It’s always hard to break into an established community when you don’t fit the bill of what a community member should look like. But when God has called you to do something, you’d better do it, and you’d better believe He wants you there and He’ll use you.
This semester, I’ve already had two amazing conversations and God willing, will be leading a Bible Study called Life to the Full. May God bring those He wants on this journey and continue to give me the faith and courage to do what He has prompted me by His Spirit to do.