I had a baby.
Being pregnant is not an excuse not to write, but I putzed around on things, feeling very much like everything was coming to an end – but also that there would be new beginnings. Boy was I in for a shock. I had studied up for and was ‘prepared’ for marriage – it was a deliberate decision. But this baby came out of left field, and for me, pregnancy was a lot easier than having the full responsibility of caring for this beautiful, confusing little person.
I wanted to follow God and do whatever He wanted me to do. Oceans by Hillsong became my song:
“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior”
Except in laying down everything I am and do and making my life a total sacrifice for someone else. Huh. That sounds like what Jesus was called to do. The person I’m trying to be like.
But I’ve been viewing it as a stereotype: Motherhood. Stay-at-home-mommy. Something you do only when you can’t succeed at something else. “If you can’t do it, you teach it.” My mom was a great home educator – I always say she could have given me an equivalent college education without the $30,000 debt but with a job at the end. But that seemed to be her take on things, and it’s been mine too.
“How can you know God through your job right now?” I was recently challenged. So I think I’ll work on embracing the rest of this song:
“Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine”